When Anna Ivey, CEO and co-founder of CommonCoach Inc., opened her inbox recently she noticed an email from someone who had connected with her on LinkedIn, but she soon found out he was not looking for a professional connection.
"Your beauty and charming smile caught my eye," the man wrote. "You have an amazing profile and glad I had the courage to write you after weeks of deep thought." He then added: "I hope no offense is taken."
Ivey did take offense and posted a screenshot of the offending email to Twitter with the message: "LinkedIn. Is. Not. A. Dating. Site."
"I decided I'm going to start putting these out there, because especially in the startup world, a lot of men don't realize the garbage that women have to put up with," she said in a telephone interview.
Women – and to a much lesser degree, men – have long had to endure unwanted advances in the workplace or at work related events. But the problem is worse on LinkedIn, where people feel more comfortable making advances than they would in-person.
"It would be nice if these platforms took this abuse more seriously," said Ivey.
LinkedIn's community guidelines prohibit "romantic advances." However, as the company's CEO Jeff Weiner told Wired magazine last year, it relies on self-policing to enforce the policy. The company says it removed 52,617 instances of harassment or adult content last year.
Los Angeles has always had a reputation as a tough place to date, and that before COVID-19 shut down bars, parties and workplaces. As internet dating has become more mainstream, especially during the pandemic, people are used to finding love online, and unlike dating apps — where the person you're swiping on might not even be real — LinkedIn confers authenticity. That it is not a dating site is a feature and not a bug for some users wary of being seen on the likes of Bumble or Hinge.
"People don't want their friend's daughter or their assistant to see them online," said eharmony dating coach Laurel House. "They don't want people knowing their personal business."
Photo by Greg Bulla on Unsplash
'Sometimes It Does Feel Predatory'
Ivey estimates she gets about one message a month through LinkedIn asking her out and she sees it is as more than just an annoyance. "Sometimes it does feel predatory," she added. "I haven't asked to be a target. I don't know how much they know about me. I don't know how much they have Google stalked me."
Despite the unwelcome advances, Ivey says she cannot delete her LinkedIn profile because it is an important networking tool. She tries to limit how much information she shares in her profile, something she says men do not have to worry about. Some women have also been told to use less attractive profile photos.
"I really mean that Linkedin is not a dating site," Ivey said. "If I were looking for romantic prospects, I would not be looking at Linkedin."
Ivey is hardly alone. Olivia Solon, tech investigations editor for NBC News, got this message: "It's my pleasure meeting you here. You look so beautiful and gorgeous." Kim Taylor, CEO of Cluster, posted a screenshot of a similar entreaty on Twitter: "I've not been able to take my eyes off your picture," a man wrote to her. "You're the most beautiful I've ever seen."
After Taylor posted the message, Ben Katz, a tech entrepreneur who's currently the executive chairman of Haven Coliving, criticized her on Twitter for being overly sensitive.
"The outreach wasn't hostile," Katz replied to her. "Has anyone ever hit on you at a work event? How is this different?" (Katz later deleted the Tweets. When asked to comment he replied "LOL.")
The exchange highlights not only two divergent point of views, but how — three years after the #MeToo movement began — there is still confusion about when making a pass at someone crosses the line. Even when intentionally looking for love on apps, women tend to experience sexual harassment at a much higher rate than men.
Unclear intentions: An Informational Interview or a Date?
Two years ago, Saphira Howell, who was 20-years-old at the time, was working in an entry-level role at a tech startup in Venice when she received a LinkedIn message from a man seven years her senior. He asked if they could meet over coffee for an informational interview so he could learn more about the company. Since they had mutual acquaintances on LinkedIn, she agreed. But when they met near Venice Beach, he showed little interest in talking about work.
"I thought it was weird because he didn't ask anything about the company," Howell recalls. "I thought maybe this guy was just a big networker?"
When the man texted a few weeks later asking if she wanted to have lunch, Howell asked him if he was looking for a date. He said he was. Howell told him she had a boyfriend and was not interested. She never heard from the man again. "I was a little unsettled that he thought our informational coffee was a date," she said.
Laurel House, the dating coach expert at eharmony, said stories like Howell's are common, but she does not think it is inappropriate to use LinkedIn for dating, so long as people are respectful and upfront with their intentions.
"Make it clear as you can that you're interested in knowing her in a non-business way," said House. "You're giving her the opportunity to say 'thanks, but no thanks'."
House says overtures on the app are often a two-way street. "I have a lot of female clients who reach out to men to date on LinkedIn," she added. "They think a guy is really hot and maybe they can get a job or maybe a date."
Steven Ward, CEO of Master Matchmakers, who counts many tech executives as clients, says he scours dating sites for eligible singles, then cross-references LinkedIn to help verify their professional credentials.
"Linkedin is a great reservoir of talent when it comes to the dating scene," he said.
He also uses the platform to message people, since most dating sites require a mutual match before users can communicate. "You take your lumps," said Ward. "But sometimes they start to feel very intrigued if there's no commitment to work with me."
A matchmaker and chief dating officer at Match, Katie Wilson says she has contacted thousands of people on LinkedIn to ask if they would be interested in dating her clients and experiences "ten times" the success she does on Instagram or Facebook.
"I have yet to come across someone that's frustrated that I've reached out to them about their personal lives," said Wilson. "I think everyone is flattered. Even married folks are tickled that they still got it."
Still, Wilson does acknowledge that receiving a message from her is probably less threatening or creepy than getting one from a suitor.
A Message and Then a Marriage
Some have met or reconnected with long lost acquaintances through LinkedIn that led to relationships, or even marriages.
Katie McCulloh, who lives outside Washington D.C, had grown weary of dating apps after years of bad dates. "If there was an app out there, I had tried it," she said. "I never had any success."
Three years ago, when she had just turned 35, she reached out to an old high school boyfriend on LinkedIn who she had not spoken to in years. "Linkedin was the one way I could reconnect," McCulloh said. "I didn't have a phone number and he wasn't on other social media."
McCulloh said she was only trying to be friends, but once the two met up "It didn't take long for us to realize something was still there." Two years ago they got married and now they are raising a toddler.
"You just never know what's going to happen," she said.
Lead art by Candice Navi.
- Looking for Love... On LinkedIn - dot.LA ›
- Matter Moves Into Audio to Create a Better Dating Experience - dot.LA ›
- LA's Dating App Startups Had Big Plans Post-Lockdown — But a Return to Virtual Dating Will Do Just Fine - dot.LA ›
- Heart to Heart Audio Dating App Raises $750K Pre-Seed - dot.LA ›
- Americans' Views on Dating and Relationships | Pew Research Center ›
- Why LinkedIn Is Not A Dating Site ›
- LinkedIn stalking is low key the biggest thing in online dating ›
- How to Use LinkedIn to Find a Date | by Lauryn Huang | Grouvly ... ›
- I Used LinkedIn as a Dating Site, and It Worked Better Than Real ... ›
Subscribe to our newsletter to catch every headline.
While discussing the venture capital world, and his upcoming technology conference in Santa Monica, The Montgomery Summit 2022, March Capital co-founder and Managing Partner Jamie Montgomery doesn’t necessarily contradict this formula for success, but adds a new attribute to the mix that’s sometimes left out: curiosity.
Montgomery’s a believer that there’s no one right way to go about things, and no surefire process for success. Sometimes, the best company emerges from not just the best data and team but the most creative approach. “If something isn’t clear, invert,” Montgomery explained. “Then invert again. Soon the subject becomes clear.”
The best investors and leaders have an innate inquisitiveness about the world around them, and seek out opportunities not just based on market trends but genuine observations about problems in desperate need of solutions.
“You sort of have to be a very heuristical thinker,” Montgomery said. “Sometimes I find some people I talk to are very smart and interesting, and I think, “That person’s very thoughtful. They’re going to be a good investor.’ Sometimes you meet people and you think ‘Well, they come across smart, but they’re always preparing what they’re going to say in response to what you have to say, they’re not really listening.’ Being a good investor, you’ve got to be a good listener. You’ve got to figure out, what’s the signal and what’s the noise? Filter out the noise and say ‘What’s real?’”
Thoughtfulness, attentiveness and curiosity are typically the sort of attributes that we think of as innate, as opposed to skills you can improve via on-the-job training. Montgomery noted, “I always ask entrepreneurs why rather than what. You get a more interesting answer.” Reading and research and investigation can help, but innate curiosity remains an essential ingredient in business success.
“I think, to be an investor, not just a VC but an overall investor, one benefits from an incredible amount of reading and knowledge,” Montgomery explained. “You have to have a voracious appetite, so it’s really a high-level curiosity. Some people have it, some don’t.”
One subject that’s on Montgomery’s mind these days is quantum computing, and its potential impact on cybersecurity, a major area of focus for March. His process starts by asking core questions about the next 5-10 years and what they’ll look like, before even considering potential solutions.
“If you’re investing, you have to look at something that’s inevitable,” Montgomery explained. “Is it gonna happen or not. If it’s inevitable, then the question is, is it imminent? And is it investible? Start with inevitable. Eventually you’re going to have quantum computing, and that’s gonna create an existential threat to cybersecurity. Is that imminent?... What is the post-quantum cyber world like, with all this information that’s been siphoned out of America by China… what do they have and how do we prepare for a post-quantum cybersecurity? It’s almost existential.”
This holistic question-based approach also drives Montgomery as he plans and organizes the annual Montgomery Summit, the largest such event of the L.A. tech calendar year (Montgomery refers to it as the “Rose Bowl of Conferences.”)
He expects around 1,200 people to attend this year – the event’s big return post-pandemic – for panels and sessions that don’t just cover areas in which March Capital specializes, but a vast and diverse variety of subjects and topics, designed to intrigue and inspire curious minds.
Over 175 speakers in total have signed on for the 19th annual Montgomery Summit, to be held on May 24 and 25, from the worlds of technology, economics, geopolitics, public policy, the sciences and beyond. Montgomery gets animated as he tells me about the voluminous range of topics being covered, from the Federal Reserve’s response to inflation to the war in Ukraine to the stories behind companies like Bill.com and CrowdStrike. One session will feature Chapman University Presidential Fellow Jack Horner, one of the world’s leading paleontologists and a key inspiration for the “Jurassic Park” character Dr. Alan Grant.
“It’s the interaction, the entrepreneurs with the investors and the executives,” Montgomery told me. “It’s fantastic, it’s enjoyable, it’s fun, and it’s candid. There are no big egos. The speakers will actually come and talk to you, they don’t come in the back door and leave through the back door. You actually can go to any one of seven sessions, and it’s going to be interesting, and they’re all short. 25-45 minutes each.”
The shorter 25-45 minute sessions help to stave off boredom and mean that attendees can sample a wider range of subjects and sessions than they might at other conferences. It helps keep things moving and makes them fun, a theme Montgomery returned to a few times in our discussion.
“There’s a lot of conferences that are very professionally run or research-driven or they’re very commercial. People come here and they’re gonna have a blast, right?”
The Montgomery Summit runs May 24th-25th at Santa Monica's Fairmont Miramar Hotel & Bungalows. Find out more information on their website.
- The Montgomery Summit One Year After COVID Struck - dot.LA ›
- March Capital Scored a Billion Dollar Return on Crowdstrike - dot.LA ›
- March Capital's Jamie Montgomery on Philanthropy - dot.LA ›